I was so terribly depressed today. Reading more and more bad stuff about my publisher everyday. I am so disappointed that in the same year, I could be so happy that my dream had finally come true to having that dream trampled upon. I feel humiliated, stupid and just down right pissed off. I have been trying really hard to keep it together and not let the misery take over, but if finally did today. I didn’t even realize it until everyone kept asking me, “What’s your problem today?” and the worst part when my son, who is 5 says, “Why are you being so evil today?” I started the day badly and continued by bitching about everything and being down right ugly to everyone, including my children. I didn’t know myself, exactly was causing me to be in such a funk, but after my son commented on my bad behavior, I ran upstairs and cried hysterically. Not something a mother wants her children see her do, but if I hadn’t cried, I may have just completely lost it. I had been holding back on the emotions I felt and it all came crashing down. After all that has happened, I was really feeling that the world is a really horrible place, full of atrocious people, willing to take a person’s dream and crush it under their feet, just to make a buck. I imagine them sitting in their offices, laughing their asses off at all the fools that have fallen for their devious schemes, while those of us who were naive enough to fall for their ploys, languish in our own stupidity and suffer.
Everyone keeps telling me to move on and just forget the book. It’s gone now for seven years and there is nothing you can do about it, because the publisher’s lawyer is even nastier than they are. I WANT MY BOOK BACK. If I had heard bad things about my book, or I truly believed it wasn’t worth fighting for, I wouldn’t. But, the unfortunate thing is that is a really great novel. I have had raving reviews from everyone who has read it. Many have told me that once they started reading it, they just couldn’t put the book down. So, how do I just throw it away to a pack of hungry hyenas? I haven’t figured out just yet, what my plan of action will be, but I will do something, that’s for sure. In the meantime, I am hoping that my pity party is over and I can truly move on and stop thinking, “Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve.”